FFVIII Journals
by SquallxZell-Leonhart
Summary: Shounen-ai for now, later yaoi. Journals from the FFVIII team but mainly Squall x Zell. Seifer will voice his thoughts, the rivalry between the two gunblade warriors for the little innocent Zell, who is not as innocent as they think.
1. Squall's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – A little swearing, and male x male thoughts.

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys, in this case Squall + Zell with a little rivalry from Seifer + Zell.

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_** you very much! 

^__^

**Squall Leonhart's Journal**

_[Monday 25th May XXXX Balamb Garden 2230 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

I've decided to keep a journal to keep my thoughts in order and to express how I feel without having to voice them out loud…not that I ever would.

It is now six months after the defeat of Ultimecia, the gang and I still walking around as if we were still in time compression.

Now I have experienced time compression I can only say that I never, *_ever*,_ want to go there again. It was too disorientating and when we finally defeated the bitch sorceress Ultimecia, I honestly thought that I was never going to return.

It's thanks to Rinoa that I remembered again, but if she was inside my head at that time, she would have seen the shadow of someone else lurking deep within me. Someone whom I was afraid to acknowledge because of the consequences that would occur if it is ever known that I had feelings for another male.

Yes I am in denial but how could I not, when all he ever is to me is annoyance, impulsive fiery temper, innocence and naiveté wrapped up in a small package, his beautiful face marked by a black tattoo. Yes he is a lot shorter than I and he is very slender but looks can be deceiving because lurking beneath his baggy clothes is a tight compact body of well toned muscle covered with unblemished golden skin.

I may not show my emotions and at times I am a little cold, but come on, I have urges just like any normal teenager going through adolescent. If you thought otherwise then I can only say, *_'what fucking planet are you from!'* I have eyes in my head and of course I am going to look when the opportunity arises._

And look I did, my cock begging to be touched as his strong slender hands soaped that gorgeous body that can only be likened to Adonis. I love watching him shower and it is only today that I realised that I wasn't the only one.

_*Seifer!*_

I have to go, there is someone banging on the door and by the erratic knocking I know its Selphie. Yes even this late headmistress Quistis will give out missions if they are important enough. 

_[Squall Leonhart signing out at 2245 hours]_


	2. Seifer's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – A lot of swearing, and male x male thoughts.

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys, in this case Squall + Zell with a little rivalry from Seifer + Zell.

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

^__^

**Seifer Almasy's Journal**

_[Monday 25th May XXXX Balamb Garden 2300 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

I hate fucking Journals but I was told it was good therapy. What the fuck would they know what was good therapy for me…bastards the lot of them.

She is the headmistress and though I hate that I have to fucking do this, I will. It is this or being kicked out of the garden for good. I am now a SeeD of Balamb Garden but I have to take orders from his royal coldness, commander Squall!

I know that I was being controlled by Ultimecia but realistically, a part of me knew what was happening, knew what I was doing. I have always wanted to be better than that stick up his ass Squall.

There is definitely rivalry between us, and it is not an attraction thing as many think. Sometimes I hate him so much other times I admire the strength he has especially now when he pretends he doesn't care for the others in his gang. I can see in his eyes that he would die protecting them and it is this that I admire him for. And at times I wished I could be like that.

But the only downfall is you need friends first and I have my eyes on one in particular

He stuck up for me with Quistis, whom I'm afraid can't stand the sight of me….not that I blame her, heh, I love rubbing her up the wrong way. But he stood there and argued with her for me, not that I couldn't do it for myself, but….and I hate to admit this, I was too shocked to say anything.

Raijin and Fuujin are always by my side, but we are a posse, not a popular one admittedly, heh, God I love being an arsehole, but the little blond, chicken wuss as I fondly call him, stood there, his fiery temper getting the better of him yet again, told her to get the stick from out of her ass and give me another chance.

Heh, it took all the control I had not to laugh at his impulsive words and the shocked expression on Quistis, man I wished I had a photo of that one. But it convinced her to give me another chance and Zell just winked and smiled at me and quickly left the office before Quistis started on him.

He is not as stupid as people think, and I'm not stupid either, he is very astute and his innocence and naive ways make you forgive him no matter what he does or says that offends you.

Even the Iceberg King can't stay mad at him for long. Yes the little blond has the commander wrapped around his finger and I'm afraid he is oblivious to it all. Sometimes I would like to shake chicken wuss so he could see what was going on around him.

Especially in the communal showers where he is being watched, not only by myself but my rival, Squall, and tonight the Ice King knows that he is not the only one with their eyes on chicken wuss. 

But my reasons are different from his, I want the martial art one for a friend, but I would die first before telling the commander.

If he gets the wrong impression then good, I like to keep him on his toes and if he ever hurts chicken wuss, he will have me to answer too.

Well there is a mission going down tonight, two teams and I'm stuck with Rinoa and Irvine, Quistis doesn't like pairing the gang with their significant partners, hence I am stuck with Casanova and Squall's ex-girlfriend 'Miss goody goody'.

Bleh, I knew Quistis stuck her with me deliberately; she is a hard woman and has a mean streak in her if you piss her off enough times. I would take a bow but I really have to be going.

This journal thing isn't too bad; I will make more entries when I get the time.

Later!

_[Seifer Almasy signing out at 2315 hours]_


	3. Irvine's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – male + female, male + male thoughts, mild angst

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys (one sided) confused Irvine + Seifer  

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! Thanks for your support Shae/Shea-chan and for helping me with this Entry.**

A word to The Drow Elf Drizzt – I'm not going to say too much because it would give it away before I'm ready to, but at the moment Seifer sees Zell as a friend and is not ready to say if he is attracted to Zell's ass or not, heh. It will unfold, but at my pace.

^__~

**Irvine**** Kinneas Journal**

_[Monday 25th May XXXX Balamb Garden 2300 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

Well Journal partner, this is my first entry, and I know for a fact that many of us have started one tonight. Maybe for different reasons but if Quistis has anything ta do with it, with a lil word or two from Dr Kadowaki it is for therapy, especially after time compression.

We have all changed and maybe our thoughts are not what they used to be.

I am the cowboy, gun slinging playboy who is always hitting on the ladies. I had always loved the way their slender forms fit so snugly against my own lean frame, the way they used ta melt into my skin as I sunk deep inside of their hot flesh, their wet heat surrounding my cock and dragging me even deeper into their own skins. The orgasmic sensation mind blowing as I shot my hot seed into the condom thinly veiling my shaft, protecting me from any commitment I wasn't ready to give, heh, I like ta keep all my bases covered if you know wha' I mean.

Then I met Selphie and the gang and my thought patterns began to change. I really thought she was the one but lately I have been noticing someone else who has such a bad boy image that I can't help but keep watching him.

He has no idea that I watch him; no he is too busy watching my lil fiery friend, Zell. But I can deal with that, lil Zell is attractive but so damn innocent, a lil like Selphie. If I didn't know who they were, I would swear they were brother and sister, only Zell is not as insane as purdy lil Sephie.

But yeah I digress, I watch him, the tall blond God, but if he was ta ever find out he would chop me up into lil biddy pieces with his gunblade Hyperion and feed me to a Ruby Dragon ta make sure I was truly gone. 

I try to keep my optimism but it is getting hard ta do the more I have to because I am so confused with what I'm feeling, I have always loved the ladies but to suddenly find myself looking at another male……I'm not sure I'm ready for a change like this……God help me!

What really frightens me is that I hav' ta tell Sephie that I don't care for her like I should, that I only see her as a lil sister. When we kiss I think of the bad boy with emeralds for eyes and that cruel hard mouth instead of her soft petals that cling to my own chapped lips, and hating myself for betraying her and myself. Why has my life that was so great turned to crap all of a sudden….?

Yeah I have it bad and to compensate I keep flirting with anything female that moves, heh, I know I am hurting Selphie but self preservation is kicking in and I am not ready to face this male liking male, not for myself anyway and I need to prove to myself that I am still the ladies man…..

We are all on a mission tonight, and I was relieved to learn that I wouldn' be in the same team as Selphie but…

I will be in his team and I have to bloody lead. Squall doesn't trust Seifer and Quistis can't stand him…why me?

To make matters worse Rinoa is also in my team, don't get me wrong, I have a lot of time for the lil princess but I don't think Seifer does so there could be a lil friction there if ya know wha' I mean.

Something happened between them and it was not good, she is usually forgiving but since the break up with Commander she has changed, I can't say I blame her but if there is no feeling there……heh, I'm one ta talk, I can't even tell my lil lady…..

I better go before I get too depressed…….I just hope I can deal with these new feelings before I drown in them because there is no one that I can see to turn too….unless….

Wish me luck partner……I really think I'm going ta need it…….

_[__Irvine__ Kinneas signing out at 2330 hours]_


	4. Zell's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – male + male thoughts

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys - Zell + Nida for now

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! Fantasy 101 and Crimson here is Zell, I hope it doesn't disappoint ya baby's. **

^__~

**Zell Dincht's Journal**

_[Monday 25th May XXXX Balamb Garden 2300 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

Hey journal you have ta forgive me but I am excited, and this usually happens when I'm goin' on a mission. The adrenaline just rushes through me and it's like a sugar high, *chuckles* that usually means I talk too much but I just give everybody my innocent look. I tell ya baby it gets them every time. I can almost get away with murder, not that I would ever do anything like that.

I know everyone thinks I am stupid and I talk too much and that my temper gets the better of me. They also think I'm innocent and inexperienced with the way of the world but I will let you into a secret Jo, yeah journal sounds too formal so Jo is what I'm callin' ya.

But back to my secret, I am Bi and the thing is I have been secretly doin' it, you know, having sex, *chuckles* with Nida no less. He is quiet but he is very attractive with a well toned body to almost match mine and if I ever saw someone born to be uke, bottom, Nida was definitely it.

I am the seme in the relationship but there is no love between us, we both have sexual urges and I got tired of the ol' hand jobs, it wasn't enough. I am full of energy and it takes a lot to burn it out of my system and sex takes a lot out of ya if you find the right partner.

Nida is okay but we have both been honest with each other, except I haven't told him everything I feel, no some thing's I keep to myself. There is a certain someone that we are both attracted too, and though I don't want to hurt Nida, I can't tell him that I am strongly attracted to my friend Squall as well.

When I first worked with Squall, I didn't really like him, I respected him but other than that I thought he was a prick with a stick shoved up his ass. As we travelled together on our mission's, because it ended up bein' one after the other, I saw beneath the mask Squall baby efficiently puts in place.

I saw him starting to care but what made me really look at him, was an incident in D-District Prison.....When he rushed up to save me from being killed, executed. I had no doubts in my head to what was about to happen to me…..

I saw my life flash before my very eyes and it made me think on the things I hadn't experienced yet, and I promised myself that if by some miracle I got outta there alive, I was going to live life to the fullest and try, taste everything…..then Squall jumped from out of nowhere and I was mesmerised……

It was the first time I really looked at him, and what I saw made me catch my breath.

Squall was pale beauty with stormy grey eyes. His strength and courage shone through with the anger I saw on his face when he killed the idiot guard who was about to execute me. I won't say what happened after that, I kinda made an ass of myself but I couldn' help it….he mesmerised me…..

After that I knew what I wanted and I know what I'm feeling isn't love, not yet anyway, but I am strongly attracted to him soooo…..

I have been trying to attract Squall to myself. Communal showers mean anything. *chuckles* Yeah I know, devious but it had to start somewhere, tho I always keep my innocent expression in place because it is the only thing that keeps others from getting too mad at me.

I will tell you something else; he would be the only male that I would ever let near my virgin ass. I want him to take me, stretch me, fill me, and violate me. 

For Squall I would be uke!

But I will take things nice and slow; don't want to frighten him away, he has a lot of pride, he isn' the Lion for nothing.

Anyway back to the mission, I feel sorry for Squall because on this mission he is stuck not only with me but with Selphie as well. Sometimes I think Quisty has a warped sense of humour, she put the liveliest pair with the most stoic male in Balamb, my friend Squall.

I will hav' to sign of soon, we leave first thing in the morning, 0500 hours to be exact and we are heading for Esthar on the Ragnarok. This should be interesting; I mean Squall and Laguna, father and son. 

Things will work out in the end, Laguna is full of life and passion and….alright he can be an ass at times….but I like him.

Squall……well he will have to get used to it.

As for my friend Irvy and his team, they leave in half an hour towards the Matrons orphanage, I'm not sure what is happening but it doesn't feel good just like ours. We will know the full story when we arrive at Esthar.

Irvy has Rinoa and Seifer on his team…….Seifer…..I like him and maybe there is a lil attraction to him on my part but I can't really see pass Squall….

Just forget I said that. *chuckles* Irvy will be fine, Seif is a great warrior and even tho he pisses me off a lot and teases me with that ridiculous name 'chicken wuss' I like him, heaven knows why, I just do.

Rinoa……next entry I will fill you in on her.

I have to go Jo someone knocking, and it sounds like Nida. 

What did you expect? My adrenaline is going rampant and I need release, spot ya later!

_ [Zell Dincht signing out at 2325 hours]_


	5. Quistis Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – NA

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Fantasy 101 and Crimson thank you for your support. I will give you two the option to pick the next entries, Squall, Zell whoever, I will let you decide. 

^__~  ^__^

**Quistis Trepe Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Balamb Garden 0100 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

I have been made to keep a journal and enter data every day; this was straight from Dr Kadowaki with the hard word from both Cid and Edea. Not only myself but the whole gang and that included Seifer.

The defeat of Sorceress Ultimecia took its toll on us all and I hope we never experience something like that again. Time compression was no better, because it changed our thoughts and emotions and we all came out of there different, looking at each other through different eyes.

We grew up and became adults though our bodies remained years younger. I know I have changed and I see things a lot clearer now.

There was a time that I was in love with Squall, and when Irvine helped us to remember who we really were, and we imagined ourselves on the beach outside of the orphanage I admitted to the others that I only felt like a bigger sister to him…..to them all.

I think that is why when Squall refused to take over the job of being headmaster they picked me to be headmistress.

I wanted to laugh, I had failed as an instructor but deep inside I knew that I was not the same Quistis who was a failure; that I had grown and I was older than the rest of the gang, if not in years but in mind.

It is just as well because when Seifer returned to Garden, I had a very big decision to make but with the help of a certain petite blonde and his impulsive nature he made my decision easy for me. 

I knew that I would have kept Seifer here at Garden because believe it or not I was only too happy to see him back. I hate change of any kind and even if Seifer is an arrogant bastard with a smart mouth, he is still part of the gang. Our gang.

The only outsider I consider out of us all is Rinoa. I may have said she was welcomed but I had buried my true feelings so that they would not surface for anyone to see, not even myself.

I like Rinoa but she is not part of our gang. She was just Squall's girlfriend as far as I was concerned. Now she isn't even that anymore, Squall had told her that he loved her, but wasn't in love with her.

Surprisingly he told me this and it only cemented our friendship more. We are both serious, only I am a little freer with my emotions then he is, but you want to know something, I don't really want him to change.

Squall wouldn't be Squall anymore if he was to change. I admit he did try for Rinoa, and she almost won but I always saw a shadow in his eyes, the shadow of someone else lurking within him, someone he wasn't ready to face.

Perhaps one day he will, I only hope that whoever the person is….learns to appreciate and accept Squall for who he is.

Anyway enough about the commander, I have more important things on my mind.

The missions.

Esthar and the Centra Ruins. I am not sure what the situation is, that is why I have dispatched two teams to investigate.

Cid advised that I send the second team to the orphanage to get their bearings, and then Edea would be able to give them a little more information about the events that have been unfolding within the Centra Ruins.

Whatever is happening it doesn't feel good, I have this feeling of dread running up and down my spine. This is a sure sign that something big is about to happen.

Hyne only knows that it has only been six months since the downfall of Ultimecia, and the last thing my gang needed was more fighting. What we all need is a good long holiday but it seems fate has more in store for us.

The first team will be heading towards President Laguna's Palace and I am definitely in the dark with this one, but President Laguna was adamant. Even with the secure line he would not divulge any information concerning the mission.

He specifically asked for Squall and Zell not really caring who the third person was. He is paying for the mission so who am I to argue with him. I chose Selphie.

*smirk*

Squall and two hypo's, no I'm not a sadist but Squall said he couldn't work with Rinoa and as for putting Seifer with Squall…..well I am not blind to the rivalry between the two gunblade warriors. Especially where Zell is concerned.

I'm not sure if it is friendship they want from him or something else and quite frankly I just don't want to go there. I have enough to deal with. They are big boys so they can deal with it……enough said!

Irvine is in charge of the second team, I, like Squall still need to trust Seifer. He has to prove himself first, we have accepted him back but he has to earn our trust now. I have complete faith that he will.

Well I need to sign off; I have a lot of work on my desk that needs to be done and Xu will drag me out of the office in half an hour. She is too good to me and makes sure I don't over do it.

See you tomorrow Journal and hopefully I will have more news on what is happening at Esthar and the Centra Ruins.

_ [Quistis Trepe signing out at 0120 hours]_


	6. Squall's 2nd Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – Male x Male thoughts, a miniscule of sap

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Fantasy 101 and Crimson thank you for your support. Here is Squall's 2nd Entry. Zell will be next.

^__~  ^__^

**Squall Leonhart Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Balamb Garden 0530 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 2]_

I am sitting beside a sleeping Zell and I couldn't be happier. I am a little concerned for my friend because he was very quiet when we loaded our gear on to the Ragnarok, even Selphie noticed. In fact she kept needling him until I told her that she could pilot the Ragnarok. She was gone before I even finished the sentence.

Zell smiled at me.

My heart did a triple flip, and when it landed again it was lighter and beating faster than before. I knew that this would happen if I got too close to him, but I can't keep away. I was only lucky that I heard him thank me for getting rid of the _'tornado pest' as he calls her now._

He seemed as if he was thinking about something and he looked a little sad. 

His head is now leaning on my shoulder, his golden hair surrounding his golden face. He is simply beautiful.

My nose twitches at his familiar scent.

Did you know he has a distinctive scent, a musky scent that I have come to know as Zell's personal aroma? It is a mixture of strawberries, _I love strawberries, I can never get enough of them, yes I have a fetish for them, sunshine, have you ever smelled sunshine? It fills you with warmth when you breathe in, it is hard to describe but there all the same. He also has a musky scent; this is the aroma that elicits sensual thoughts and heats my body up so fast that I am not aware of it until a certain part of my anatomy starts making itself known._

Only today there is another scent I can smell, one that I have smelled on him before. I don't like it! This scent is also familiar and if I find out that someone else is touching him, I will kill them. Zell is mine and mine alone. I may have trouble admitting that I like the fiery blond and another male but that didn't mean that I hadn't made some kind of claim on him….I have. He is mine…..he just didn't know it yet. 

I just have trouble admitting it.

But the other scent, I know I have been around it before, I can't think where but I will find out…..even if it kills me. I know it is not Seifer.

I have what you could call a sensitive nose. I know the scent of all the gang, even Seifer, and that is why I don't need to see who is coming. Their scent precedes them.

Rinoa had a distinctive aroma, it was one of sunshine like Zell but hers was more floral. It was the spring scent of honey, lilies and pine. I used to like it until it became cloying and overwhelmed me so much that I began to feel suffocated.

It was then I realised that I wasn't in love with her and I tried to change myself but the shadow in my heart wouldn't let me and I thank Hyne that it was there. So I did what normally happens when you find you don't love someone….I broke up with her. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. People say I show no emotions but it doesn't mean I don't feel them.

I do. 

Its just I have trained myself not to let them show. It was hard training but in a crisis it comes in hand—

_Fuck! What was that…….?_

Shit I have to go, I don't know if it is turbulence or Selphie being her usual self. I will return later on today.

_[Squall Leonhart signing out 0545 hours]_

_[Squall Leonhart signing back in at 0700 hours]_

We arrived at Esthar at 0600 hours; Kiro's and Ward were there to greet us with apologies from my father.

I didn't like it. If there was one thing I learned about my father was that he would always be there to greet me because of the guilt he still carries for abandoning me.

When we finally arrived here at the Presidential Palace Kiro's filled us in, knowing what little patience I had. 

I have to tell you journal this mission is close to home and close to my heart. There are not many who I hold dear, in fact I can count how many on one hand.

_Ellone. She is missing and from what Kiro's has said, Laguna is beside himself, the past haunting him once again._

I understand now why he would not let this information out. As soon as we have organised ourselves we are going in search of my father and then we will take it from there.

I fear what we will find once we begin searching for big sister.

As soon as Zell has finished his shower we are going. And no it was me that made Zell have a shower, he wanted to rush off to find my father but I insisted and you know why.

I couldn't tolerate that scent on him any longer so I told him to go shower. Zell looked at me a little surprised but shrugged before going to the washroom. That scent has now been filed away for me to work on later, for now something more important takes priority.

My big sister and my father.

Oh before I forget. This is an official log for the mission log when I have time to get to it. The turbulence we experienced on the Ragnarok was in fact something hitting us. Selphie swears she saw something then it disappeared, what she couldn't get over was the size of the thing. 

I am a little worried especially now that Ellone has gone missing. I will tell Kiro's to contact Quistis and fill her in with the details. I hope that team two are alright.

I will sign off now, Zell has finished his shower and he looks as impatient as I feel. We are both worried and I can hear the _tornado pest_ heading towards our room. 

Hopefully I will log in tomorrow. Bye.

_[Squall Leonhart signing out at 0730 hours]_


	7. Zell's 2nd Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – Male x Male thoughts, some sap, touch of angst

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God and Hopemia, thank you for your support. Here is Zell's 2nd Entry.

^__~  ^__^

**Zell Dincht Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Balamb Garden 1400 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 2]_

I don't know how long I have Jo, because Squall and Laguna are talking together privately, and as soon as they have finished we are moving again. I didn't want to intrude on what was a family thing, even if the Commander didn't say anything. It just felt like the right thing ta do.

We found Laguna by the great plains of Esthar, in the Lunatic Pandora Laboratory. He was walking around in circles with the lost boy expression, his hand constantly brushing through his dark hair. He was going out of his frickin' mind, it took Squall to use his cold Commander persona ta snap him out of it.

But I saw understandin' in Squall's eyes, and it is no wonder that I'm very much attracted to him. He has a commanding presence that many admire him for, and a sexy bod enhanced with leather moulded to his perfect form. Anyway it worked bringin' Laguna down to Earth once again.

Before we knew it, everything was pouring out of the Presidents mouth, the only thing of interest was the end bit. This was the last place Ellone was before she disappeared. Now Laguna had no idea why she was here in the first place, and there are no frickin' clues for us ta go on.

It was this moment that I decided to leave, dragging Selphie with me, man she really has a fixation with Laguna, sometimes I'm not sure if she is kiddin' or just one helluva obsessed fan girl, heh. What does it matter, she is a friend and I have a lot of time for her.

Selphie has a lot of energy like I do and much more, but you see, I think we understand one another and right now I know for a fact that somethin' is buggin' her. Her perkiness is forced these days and while she thought my attention was on Laguna and Squall while they were talking, I was actually watching her, and for a brief second her smile dropped, her eyes so lost and desolate, then jus' like that, wham! Her smile was back.

I will tell you now Jo, it touched me deeply seeing my friend like that, and it made me forget my own sadness for awhile. I would like to help her but I don't want to intrude or even know where to start.

It doesn't help that Ellone, big sister has disappeared, and I am worried about that too Jo. She wouldn' just go off without tellin' someone, anyone. So that means one thing ta us all.

She was taken by force, and what force? We have no idea and no fuckin' clues!

Sorry for the swearin', I can't help myself.

I see Selphie is writing in her own journal and her mouth is set tightly, her shoulders tense. I wish I knew what was goin' through her head, if she is alright.

It reminds me why I feel so bad, so sad. Last night, this morning…whatever, with Nida I decided to make it our last night. If I want a chance with Squall I have to start with no commitments, even tho Nida and I just wanted sex. I didn't want anyone to accuse me of being a whore, I mean I am a teenager and it is only natural to want to find release but what I feel for Squall, I'm taking seriously.

I have no idea how he feels about me, at the moment I can honestly say we're friends, I mean; he let me sleep on his shoulder. Do you know what miracle that was? It is up there with the partin' of the red sea.

Squall doesn't like people touching him, no he hates it and he soon lets you know. I mean, when we first met and I happened to touch his shoulder, I swear on my darlin' Ifrit, the temperature dropped considerably, and his stormy eyes were like ice flints, looking at the hand that had the audacity to touch the Ice King.

It took me nanoseconds ta remove the offending limb before it was cut off by his gunblade Lionheart.

So you can imagine how surprised I was to be woken up gently by the Commander, his voice soft and husky as he told me he needed to chat with Sefie. I sat there for a moment in stunned silence. And then the warmth hit me, spreading like wild fire thru my body, making me more aware of the feelings I had with Squall.

I was only glad that I did break it off with Nida and the strange thing Jo, is that Nida was shocked and asked me why. You know what came next don't you? Yeah…I told him how I felt about Squall.

Nida was angry and told me that I had betrayed him, especially after he had told me his feelings for the Commander. He was right I did, but I…I didn't mean ta. I was so afraid of hurting him, maybe that makes me a coward, I don't really know but oh hell, I don't know.

I said to him that Squall was his own person and just because I liked him didn't mean he was mine. Nida snorted at me then glared making me flinch then said coldly in his monotone voice, "at least he remembers your fucking _NAME!"_

How could I tell him that Squall really had no choice remembering my name, that he didn't remember many others at the Garden names, then I remembered that Nida became SeeD the same time we did.

So yeah I feel like shit, guilty and when I left Nida he made me feel worse saying that he was starting to feel something for me. God, life gets so damn complicated and I wish I was still at the orphanage, none the wiser.

But I'm not and at the moment I have more important things to worry about. Big sis and Sefie.

Well I have ta go, Squall is lookin' at me so that means we have ta talk. Will chat with you tomorrow Jo, and fill you in with the mission details.

Spot you later Jo, and wish us luck in finding Ellone.

_ [Zell Dincht signing out at 1420 hours]_


	8. Selphie's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – Angst

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Author Notes – A serious Selphie may be construed as OOC, but I wanted to add depth to her. When Trabia was hit by the missiles, I felt her sadness and forced happiness, anything to make the others at Trabia happier. So I took that moment and decided to make her character angst over Irvine.

Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God, Maraea Darkwell and Chandrakan, thank you for your reviews. 

^__~  ^__^

**Selphie Tilmitt Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Balamb Garden 1400 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

Hi Journal, I am glad that no one is around and I don't have to pretend that I am the 'happy little Sefie'. Zell is writing in his journal, so quaint really considering with all the technology we have, but who wants to travel on a mission with a lap top where the weather conditions could be unpredictable, our lines getting cut off now and then.

I was told to start writing in you last night but I just couldn't, my feelings were too raw and the emotions inside of me were churning to the point I was nauseous. It was hard enough for me to keep smiling and happy, even to the point where my eyes reflected the lie I have been living within myself for the last few months.

I love Irvine. I love him so much that it consumes me.

At first I ignored him and tried to concentrate on our missions but it became hard as he was constantly around me, making me feel so damn special. And after we beat the crap out of Ultimecia and we celebrated…..he kissed me.

I saw the kiss Squall gave Rinoa but it was nothing compared to the one Irvine gave me. I thought our kiss was forever, a bit like the one Squall gave to Rinoa.

We all know how that ended. It should have been an omen but I was so happy and light inside, I felt like I was walking on air, and I know that I drove everybody nuts but I couldn't help it. I wanted my friends to be happy along with me.

Then things changed, I can't exactly tell you when…..but it changed.

His kisses changed, they were so automatic and it felt like he was trying to prove something to himself. Don't get me wrong they still rocked my world, but he…..he felt nothing…..and the thing is, I noticed the difference.

Even the light flirting he used to do, I could handle that, he wasn't really interested in the other females. Now….now he flirts constantly as if he is searching for something. Something that I obviously haven't got.

Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me want to scream and cry. My heart hurts journal. It really hurts and I don't know what to do.

I wished that I could talk to someone, anyone, just to relieve the pain for a moment.

When I am alone in my dorm room at night, I turn out the lights and just sit in the dark, trying to figure out what it was that I did that was so wrong. What I did to make him want to be with someone else besides me. I know I am flighty and very energetic and a bit impulsive like my fiery friend Zell, but it is who I am.

Maybe I should change and become less flighty and I am willing to do this for Irvine, he is my world because I have never loved another before. He is my first love and I thought and hoped he was to be my last love. Am I living in a fairy tale world?

Maybe. I will work something out later on.

For now I will concentrate on the mission. Ellone, big sis, is missing and in a way I'm glad to be on a mission, I was slowly going insane with these depressing thoughts trying to figure out what I did wrong…see here I go again.

I will have to stop writing journal; I have to work hard to place the chirpy face back on, the face that everyone is used to seeing. I don't want them to see the sad mask or the hurt mask that is eating away at me slowly.

Things will work out, just wait and see.

The only thing making me smile now and then is Laguna. I really like him, he is very handsome but it is his passion that I love the most about him. He is so dedicated and no matter how he bungles things it usually works out right in the end. You just have to admire him for that.

If he was a lot younger, and my heart didn't already belong to someone else, I think that I could really, really like the President.

Heh, yeah I know.

Oh another thing journal. I saw something today, something that had hit the Ragnarok. It was huge, bigger than Ragnarok. It was golden with beautiful pale blue iridescent wings that seemed to fill the sky. You guessed it. 

A dragon.

I can't really be sure if it was or not, because the moment it hit our ship it simply disappeared. It took me awhile to believe that I actually did see something and I think I better tell Squall that it was a dragon that I had seen. 

This means that there is magic at play and maybe a portal of some kind, but what would I know. It seems logical because there are a few dragons here in our world but nothing that looked like the dragon I saw.

I have a feeling that it is somehow linked with the disappearance of Ellone.

I have to go, Commander Squall wants to talk to us and it looks urgent. The mission is now officially on. Wish us luck. Bye!  

_[Selphie Tilmitt signing out at 1420 hours]_


	9. Irvine's 2nd Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – Angst, male + male thoughts, swearing (surprised?)

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Authors Note – Sun God, I will do Rinoa next just for you. Sorry for the delay, working late nights.

Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God, Maraea Darkwell, thank you for your reviews. 

^__~  ^__^

**Irvine**** Kinneas Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Centra – Matron's Orphanage 0400 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 2]_

Hey there pardner, well I am absolutely fucked, yeah, yeah I'm swearing, only because I hav ta keep control of my hormones and also because we hav been up since we arrived here and it is now going on four in the morning. 

Matron and Headmaster Cid had a nice hot drink ready, something ta keep us awake while she filled us in on what was happening.

She says she hasn't seen anything herself but she feels things. Said something about a new age, I'm not sure what the hell it means, only because I'm so damn tired, haven't been sleeping well, as you know.

Matron could see we were all tired in the end, that included lil princess and the blond God, yeah, yeah give me a break. You weren't in the room when he was peeling those tight grey pants he is renowned for, to reveal a body that would make Apollo jealous. God! Here I go again…but his ass is so perfect…

Sorry, sorry, I'm trying ta concentrate on the mission and what lil information Matron gave us. We will be travelling to the Centra ruins in the afternoon; Matron said we will rest first. I agree, no use going in if we are so tired that we won't be able ta lift our arms ta aim our weapons.

She mentioned something about a new breed of dragons and a dark presence. Yeah, I shuddered too, we hav just finished dealing with Ultimecia and this happens. 

When it rains, it fucking pours!

God there he goes again, does he have any idea what he does ta me. He is now walking around with a very lil towel wrapped around those perfect muscled toned hips…..God! My fucking cock just twitched, shit goddam Mary Sue ta hell!

I am not gay! I luv my women! I am just extra horny because I hav been too busy ta sink by cock in ta the silky wetness of a female. If I keep repeating it, I might start believing it. But I think ya know don't ya diary.

He has such strength and he doesn't give a shit what others think, as long as he does what he wants ta do. We don't really talk much; he just keeps to himself when he is away from his posse. His friends.

I bet ya if Zell was here they would be sparring and calling each other names. Sometimes I wish I was like the fiery petite blond.

Sharing a room with him doesn't help me or Selphie one bit, it just gets harder, not just my cock, but my emotions as well. I didn't ask ta feel this way about him and I really wished I didn't.

I can't hurt her, ya see, she doesn't deserve that and besides I'm too young ta die. Seifer will kill me, no doubt about that, no siree! I like breathing and living thank you!

Shit! Shit! He is looking at me and asking me something. I hav ta answer.

*chuckles* He just said ta me, "you too?" Yeah the journal thing and he has now put some blue boxers on, his chest bare *drools* Shit goddam Mary Sue ta hell! If he keeps this up I will hav ta hav another shower.

He has broad shoulders; his torso tapering down to a trim waist, no ounce of fat on that muscle well toned body, his golden skin gleaming from the lamp by his bed, his soft golden hair still wet from his shower. 

He has a smirk on his face and goddam I wish I was a fly on the wall behind him, makes me wonder what he is writing about.

Probably about the lil princess, yes they had a lil spat before we arrived. Rin started it and I hav no idea what it was about. Good ol Seifer handled it well; he completely ignored her, which sent her into a tizzy, man she has ta lighten up. What we don't need on this mission is a very upset team-mate.

She calmed down when I told her to let it go…..what it was, I hav no idea.

She is bitter and it is eating away at her slowly, I just hope something helps her soon, I don't like ta see one of my friends hurting as she is. That is another reason why I can't hurt Sefie, she don't deserve that, she deserves the best. I just wish that I hadn't started noticing someone else but it happened so slowly that I wasn't aware of it until it was too late.

And it is too late for me. I hav to be honest pardner, I am attracted to the blond god across from me, and there is nothing I can do ta change it. But I will never act upon it because there is an innocent involved, and I wouldn't hurt her for all the world.

He is looking at me with a perfect eyebrow raised. 'Lights out' is what he is saying and quite frankly journal, I may hav a stiff cock that is pushing against my boxers, but I am way too tired ta stroke it, to its creamy completion, and my eyes I starting ta get heavy.

I will sign off now, and ya want ta know something? He said goodnight ta me.

That warms me inside. I will leave ya now pardner….until tomorrow.

_ [__Irvine__ Kinneas signing out at 0420 hours]_


	10. Rinoa's Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – male + female thoughts, swearing (yeah go figure, Rin swearing)

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_ you very much! **

Authors Note – I want to thank Shaeric for helping me with the limey het memories of Rinoa. In fact they are her words, heh. I won't be posting as often as I have because it is Christmas holidays and I am going away. I will try and post when I can. Merry Christmas everyone and have a Happy New Year!!

Fantasy 101, Crimson, Sun God, Maraea Darkwell, and all other reviewers, thank you for your reviews. 

^__~  ^__^

**Rinoa Heartilly Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Centra – Matron's Orphanage 0410 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 1]_

I have always wanted a journal but because my life was complicated, and I was very busy being a resistance rebel group called the 'Forest Owls' with Zone and Watts, as I couldn't stand my father and what he stood for, I just never got the time.

My father was the first man in my life who let me down. He was overprotective and tried to keep me in a cage. I was like a bird looking out, but I found a way to escape from that prison making my way towards Timber, joining the Forest Owls.

Then I met Seifer, the second male in my life to let me down. He was eager to help I admit, but I gave him part of my heart. I know that I was still young and naïve but he was so big and strong and so…..so determined that it captured me in its grasp. I thought I'd loved him, and there was nothing I could do about it.

But nothing came out of it, and then I met the third man to come in my life that let me down. Only this one hurt me more then the others did. Squall Leonhart.

I still love him and though it pains me deeply, I knew he didn't love me. He really tried but there was someone else he thought about. Someone else who had slipped passed his icy exterior and slowly thawed the ice around his heart.

At first I thought it was me, I truly believed that I was the right person for the Ice King as he is named, and when he rescued me over and over again my heart was filled with a joy that overwhelmed me so much, that I nearly cried with the emotion. His touch was like fire to my soul, igniting a light so bright within me, that the sun would be dull in comparison.

For the first time I wanted to give to someone, not only my heart but my body as well. And I did.

He was gentle and his mouth touched every part of my skin, even the hot spot between my legs, as he licked his way inside, tasting me as I released the essence of my sex. The hard nub of flesh he chewed on gently, as I groaned loudly my legs wrapping around his neck as I undulated to spread the sensation. It was when he filled and stretched me with his penis and thrust deep inside of me that I knew that he was the man for me. That I was truly in love.

But I will tell you this journal, I don't regret giving Squall my virginity, he may have been a virgin himself but after the first time he had memorised all my pleasure points and relentlessly attacked them until I was a gooey mass in ecstasy.

But something had happened to change things, and I think the one that got passed his defences is another woman. Who? I don't know. All I know is that he tried to stay with me, tried to love me, but when he stopped touching me altogether I knew that it would be over soon. 

He had a shadow lurking in his eyes, a shadow that he wasn't willing to let go. 

He broke it off with me. Just like that.

Admittedly he felt guilty about it all but you see I was a woman who was being scorned. My love being flung back in my face, so I did what any normal female would do when she is pissed off and sick of men who keep letting her down.

I screamed, cursed and called him all the names under the sun, and I could only feel self satisfaction at the shock all over his face. Yes Squall, a woman scorned is not going to lay flat on her back and die, well not this woman anyway.

So now, I hate fucking men! They are nothing but big let downs and every time I see the three men who fucked with me, I just want to go up to them and beat the crap out of them. Yes me!

I may act like a princess but that doesn't mean I can't cuss with the best of them. I can, you hang around Zone and Watts, you are going to pick up a few choice words and manners. I will admit I was shocked at first but I soon got used to it.

So yes journal, I have cut men from my life except Zell and Irvine. They are the only two that I can really talk to, they have been really good to me, and I don't expect them to choose sides. No this is between Squall and me, and Seifer and me.

Yes that big blond idiot is up there with Squall. Seifer may have forgotten the past, but I haven't. I will always remember the three men who shaped my world and fucking messed it up again.

He smirked at me on our way here to Centra, and all I could see was red. So I let him have it, what made it worse he ignored me entirely and that hurt me, pain shooting in my chest. Why I can't let it go, I don't know.

It was thanks to Irvine that I stopped making a fool of myself; but now I knew Seifer felt nothing for me, not even friendship and there is that pain again. I feel like I don't belong with the gang and I know that Quistis doesn't think I am part of the gang anyway.

I have always felt like an outsider, even though Zell and Irvine still treat me better than the other two males, I still feel like an outsider. I know that soon I will have to make a decision. I just hope I make the right one.

I will get over this I know, but for now I am going to wallow in self pity and bitterness, it is my fucking right journal so don't mess with me! And the next male who approaches me is going to get his nuts kicked severely; I meant it when I said I hate men, because right now…..I do!

I am getting tired and the mission begins this afternoon. Edea is coming with us even though Cid didn't want her to. Men!  When are they going to learn, don't try to keep a woman down, you won't like it when the claws start showing.

Enough of that, I will talk with you later. Night.

_[Rinoa Heartilly signing out at 0430 hours]_


	11. Seifer's 2nd Entry

Disclaimer – I don't own FFVIII or the characters in the game, Squaresoft does. I have no money and anything I own is not worth having. This story is fiction.

Warning – male male thoughts, swearing

Rating – R, it will heat up later on

This will be yaoi folks but for now it is shounen-ai, boys liking boys

Dedication – To Shaeric Draconis, I **_luv_** you very much! Also Eliza, miss you babe…

Authors Note – sorry this took so long. There were five in our gang, now there is only four, one of us is gone and it's just strange without her being there anymore. Shaeric knows what I'm talking about.

On a lighter note: Thanks to Chandrakan, yeah I luv it when Zell's not so innocent, Zell4eva, It would be interesting to see if someone did read someone's _nudge, nudge, wink, wink_ journal entries, will see what happens, Sun God, Thanks bud glad you like my Rin.

**Seifer Almasy Journal**

_[Tuesday 26th May XXXX Centra – Matron's Orphanage 0410 hours]_

_[Journal entry # 2]_

This will be a quick entry because I'm beat.

Yeah we finally arrived here at Edea and Cid's place and I thank Hyne we did because Rinoa really has something up her hoity toity nose.

I can't even look sideways at her and she's at my throat and get this, Rinoa had a hissy fit with me earlier, fuck knows why but then, she has been this way for awhile.

Hell all I want to do is keep away from her, I mean I wasn't the one that broke up with her. No…it was his royal coldness, the commander. Geez why couldn't she be in his team, I mean it's his mess not mine.

I really have nothing against her, honest, well not honest…more like really chuckles evilly and I tried to ignore her when she kept insulting me, but anything I did was like fuel to the fire because she exploded even more.

Surprisingly Irvine came to my rescue…I would thank him but lets face it smirks that's just not me. I'm a bastard and I've a reputation to keep up, being thankful isn't part of that persona, but secretly I'm grateful.

And speaking of Irvine…he's been checking me out…a lot!

I'm flattered but…I'm not too sure what I think about that, because I like the male anatomy just as much as the females and I thought he was into the ladies anyway but the way he's been checking out my ass I'm beginning to think he likes the males as well.

Heh, he's writing in his journal too, yep obviously we all have to do it. Hang on; I think I'll be nice and speak to him, hey! he's the leader, and it might help me later on if I was nice now.

Did you know Irvine has a nice smile? Never really noticed before and his eyes they are a nice colour, blue with a touch of violet and I won't touch on about his hair…but…he is quite the looker…not sure what it means but I will blame it on me being tired so I will think on it later.

As for the mission, still don't know what the hell is going on, because Matron was speaking in riddles so won't know until we get there and as for Headmaster Cid, he's starting to act a bit macho with Matron, heh, I can just see her clipping his ears for him.

She's quite the looker ol' Matron, shame really that I can only see her as a mother figure and sometimes, don't get your knickers in a twist with this either, sometimes I wonder……What the hell she sees in Headmaster Cid!

But then I'm a bastard chuckles wickedly and well, I'm not into all that lovey dovey crap, no, I'll leave it for the others and as for Rinoa….shrugs I'll just stick close to Irvine, that bitch can keep away from me.

Well I better get some shuteye, big day tomorrow.

_[smiles at Irvine]_ thought I'd make his day…I'll be watching him myself now, see what's going on with him because the last time I looked at him he had a wart on his hip named Selphie. Be interesting to see what's going on.

Check with you later journal…

_ [Seifer Almasy signing out at 0420 hours]_


End file.
